Marioni

"Don't let them tell you who you are."
Do you remember that?
I feel like I've lost something but I think that makes me an asshole.
Today and yesterday I felt like I was losing control [and it felt good]
I felt enraged.
Today after none of these 5 people [including my husband]
agreed with me I wondered if I was wrong.
I think what always keeps me "sane" is that I start questioning myself.

I always admired L. because she had something of that losing
control without ever questioning herself.
I admire that quality of sticking to insanities even with the risk
of being all wrong.

I admire the Guttai art and the Zero Group and Yves Klein and Chris Burden
for their insanity and intuition.
I admire and respect the way that the Guttai artists followed their hearts
and saw the truth and took it into their minds and into their art.
Creation and destruction. The hope they saw!
Finding possibility in the face of such utter annihilation.
The world is broken but they saw that, literally in the burned walls
of their homes and the charred bodies of their fellow citizens.
but the world is always evil.
I am attracted to the responses of these artists because I feel a lot of need in my
thoughts to throw up a bunch of shit, expose the brokenness, the destruction
and hope to find some possibilities.
Picasso apparently said that destruction must happen for there to be creation.
I want to be a new creation.

On Thursday night at E.'s wonderful party I exposed myself, a bit to
him, but quite a lot to A.. For some reason I feel fairly safe about exposing myself to them.
Maybe the art world is a place to share the self because that is exactly what
the art world is all about.
We're all sharing our depths and expressing it and calling it "art."
I want to make art about sexual abuse, I want to make art about my
suppressed sexuality, I want to make art about holding back my suppressed
emotions and how they are starting to explode, I am increasingly unable to hold them back.
A. pointed out the 3 of us are making art about pain yet we make them in
such clean, put together, minimal ways. I am interested in that.
But I also want to expose the filthy.

A. said to me once after my first class critique while we were
having cigarettes that I have to figure out what Im doing before
viewers can understand. Well now I think I know what I'm doing
but its fucking scary. I want to expose all this, channel all this
energy that has been pent up for literally 19 years. I have some ideas.

When I showed me and Ev's video piece it was so liberating to expose that.
It was the act of showing something I was scared of and getting past my fear
while also getting positive feedback.
I want good experiences in my life.

I want positive from the negative.
I want creation from the destruction.
I want possibilities.
I want renewal.
I want to expose my shattered pieces so I can throw some away, let go,
and rise up refined by fire.